A Matter of Perspective!

I think we need a new view, glasses if you would, in regards to the purpose of and goals in dating. When I’ve asked teenagers, “how long has dating been around?” they’re universal answer is “forever”.

To which I ask, “Are you sure?” and they’re resounding response is, “sure!”

Well dating has only been around since the 1950’s and only in the USA. Dating has never been practiced in any society, in any other time-frame, in all recorded history men and women! Only in this 60-year timeframe. Before, 1950’s in America and all other societies the practice of a man and a woman to become “acquainted” was usually some type of “arrangement”.

Arrangements ranged from pre-arranged marriages where you would not even meet your intended until your wedding day to courting in “proper” accordance of acceptable behaviors with often a chaperone along to keep things on the up and up. Interaction was limited to conversation and perhaps holding hands but never more contact than this.

Today, the highest goal for Dating is to find your future mate. But the most common “goal” of dating is to not be alone, to maintain social standing as desirable – most probably to “hook-up”.

Since the 1950’s, young people in America have been involved in a social experiment. The practice of freely dating whomever you wish, to find that future mate has been the rule of the day. But the behavior of this experiment has been dictated by few or no guidelines save – “if it feels good do it!” and conversely if doesn’t “feel” good find someone else. So the dating routine has been well established as completely temporary.

My observation is that Dating sets you up for Divorce. its this “temporary” perspective or at least the if it “doesn’t feel good” then end it mentality that has totally changed the divorce rate in America.

In 1950 the Divorce rate in America was nearly “0”, today its over 50%, so how’s this social experiment going? I realize dating isn’t the only cause for Divorce but it is obviously a “habit-forming” influence that is a major contributor – if we can change our perspective of the goal for Dating this contributor could be re-oriented.

More to come in this on-going unpacking….

Perfect Divorce Training

What is the sure-fire way to prepare yourself for having a "successful" Divorce result? In other words, how might you guarantee that your marriage would end in Divorce? - start Dating young and often.

Now, you might be thinking this guy is nuts! (may be a discussion for another article) But the facts and historical record are compelling. In 1955, the Divorce rate in America was nearly 0 (zero) in 2009 it exceeds 50% so in this span of 60 years what's happened?

Obviously, there are many contributing factors but I do think that we can identify one very strong influence. Also in a day when even the re-defining of Marriage is being pushed the musings as to how to be sure that the undesirable outcome of divorce is not arrived at, should be addressed.

Over the past 25+ years I've:
* worked with and observed the effects of divorce on teenagers,
* counseled friends who show-up to get help when the marriage is on the rocks,
* challenged couples preparing to "tie-the-knot" with discussions as to how "bad" being married can be! (only to still see thee marriages end in Divorce)

So after one considers the stresses of life, the communication problems (one of the largest enemies of relationships), the bumps and potholes along the road of marital bliss I come back to my earlier assertion - Dating is a sure-fire assistant for divorce!

As I've asked 100's and thousands of people what is the longevity goal of marriage? Everyone agrees, no matter their background, upbringing, socio-economic level, educational level, religious, non-religious, experience - they all agree the goal for marriage is "Forever"!

When we look at what is the "goal" of Dating, the highest is to "find a mate" but the overwhelming common goal of Dating is to "not be alone" or to "hook-up" in the present day vernacular. Dating lasts 2 years, 2 months, 2 days or 2 hours! Dating IS temporary!

Actually Dating is "whenever", whenever it doesn't work out, whenever you no longer satisfy my needs, whenever someone else comes along....

So when we come into Marriage with a Dating experience we are destined to Divorce!

So here's the equation of Divorce: Whenever + Forever = Never