Facebook and Divorce: Airing the Dirty Laundry

By Belinda Luscombe Monday, Jun. 22, 2009 TIME

Not long after Patrick told his wife Tammie he wanted a divorce, she posted an angry, hurt note on "the wall," or public-comments section, of his Facebook page. Embarrassed that his colleagues, clients, church friends and family could see evidence of his marital woes, he deleted it and blocked his wife from seeing his page. A couple of days later, the IT worker in Florida--who asked that his last name not be used in this story — found alarmed messages from two Facebook friends in his inbox. Tammie had used a mutual friend's account to view Patrick's wall and e-mailed several women he had had exchanges with. He says her e-mails were borderline defamatory. She says they merely noted that he was married with children, a fact he had left off his Facebook profile. Either way: Ouch.

For those who want to connect or reconnect with others, social-networking sites are a huge, glorious honeypot. But for those who are disconnecting, they can make things quite sticky. And as the age of online-social-network users creeps up, it overlaps more with the age of divorce-lawyer users, resulting in the kind of semipublic laundry-airing that can turn aggrieved spouses into enraged ones and friends into embarrassed spectators.

Lawyers, however, love these sites, which can be evidentiary gold mines. Did your husband's new girlfriend Twitter about getting a piece of jewelry? The court might regard that as marital assets being disbursed to a third party. Did your wife tell the court she's incapable of getting a job? Then your lawyer should ask why she's pursuing job interviews through LinkedIn.
Battles over finances and custody remain the Iwo Jima and Stalingrad of divorce cases. Opposing lawyers will press any advantage they have, and personal information on sites like Facebook, MySpace and LinkedIn is like decoded bulletins from enemy territory. "It's now just routine for us to go over with clients whether they have an active presence on the Web and if they Twitter or have a MySpace page," says Joseph Cordell of Cordell & Cordell, a domestic-relations law firm with offices in 10 states. He advises his mostly male clients to scour their page — and their girlfriend's — for anything that could be used by their ex's legal team. Then Cordell studies the page of the soon-to-be ex-wife.

"We had a custody case where a mom assured the court that she hadn't been drinking," recalls the Missouri-based attorney. "But her MySpace page had actual dated photos of her drinking — and smoking, which is also of interest." In another case, a mom had listed herself on a dating site as single with no kids, which Cordell's firm used to cast doubt on her truthfulness.
And that's just the courtroom stuff.

Half the fun of social-networking sites is the posting of personal news. The other half is the posting of personal opinion, something spurned spouses typically have in spades. MySpace and its ilk offer the giddying cocktail of being able to say something in the privacy of your home that will be publicly accessible, along with a chaser of instant gratification. All this at a time when people are often less than their best selves. On the walls of two Facebook groups — I Hate My Ex-Husband and I Hate My Ex-Wife, which together had been joined by 236 Facebook users as of early June — posts include all manner of (often misspelled) vitriol, including some colorful British slang: "my husband is ... a dirty smelly chavvy theivin alcoholic drug addict selfish scum bag" and "my ex wife is a no good lieing slag," each of which was posted alongside a smiling photograph of the commenter.

There's little the besmirched can do legally, unless there are children involved. Family-law courts routinely issue restraining orders to prevent one parent from disparaging another to a child. "The question is, If it's on the Internet, can that speech be blocked?" says Stephen Mindel, a managing partner at Feinberg, Mindel, Brandt & Klein in Los Angeles. "The First Amendment is going to come into conflict with the family-law courts."

Issuing an order to remove children's access to Facebook is pointless, says Chicago-based lawyer Jennifer Smetters. "The kids just go on a fishing expedition to find out what's so secret. And no child needs to see their parent being publicly humiliated." Smetters has seen cases where messages on a social-networking site were part of a harassment campaign that led to the court's issuing a civil order of protection.

It seems everybody — except perhaps some lawyers — would be better off if divorcing spouses gave each other some space on MySpace. But when confused, anguished people look for ways to work through their feelings, a social-networking site can be an almost irresistible venue.
Patrick and Tammie are still active on Facebook. So are decoupled East Coast residents Andrea and Adrian, even after "he told me he didn't have any money and then posted pictures of his new BMW bike," Andrea says. He says Facebook helped her stalk him. "It's had a very negative impact on our communication," he adds.

But there can be some positives. Tammie's friends post supportive messages on her Facebook page. And Patrick says he understands online social networks better now. "It's like putting everybody you know in the same room. I'm using it, but I'm much more careful."

Victim or Victor!?

How long will you be the victim?
How long are you still the one who Dad “abandoned”?

He was in my face, “Dad, do you forget the pain of your father leaving you? It’s not her fault; she’s still screwed up by that!”

This comment caused me to really think. I’m not “really” screwed up, only partially.
My initial response to the comment was “she needs to get over it, it’s not who she is, it’s what happened to her!”

This comment is true, it’s been fleshed out by so many. As an adult-child of Divorce I often confront the question of my identity. But, these words, blurted out in a high pitch of emotion was, a wake-up call again. It is a fact that the effects of those child-hood wounds can be long suffering. But to excuse the current problems in your life as the result of the emotional wounds of years ago may well be an excuse rather than a fact.

Two strong influences that help in the healing of the effects of rejection and abandonment are healthy replacement of Parental relationships and the building of Personal Identity.

Parental relationships can have a healthy replacement. The introduction of step-parents can greatly help in the re-building healthy interaction of parent and child. The younger the age, the more effective. The more sensitive the step-parent is to being a normal loving parent as if he or she were the biological parent, the more health results.

I’ve also seen significant adults who have given the child from a family of Divorce positive and life-long influence in caring for and modeling to them healthy, positive influence.

Over the years I’ve come to understand that young people need to know that Mom and Dad are “for” them. The desire to know that someone has made the decision to be there for you is irreplaceable in building a strong self-image. It allows for the safe factor as you attempt new things.

Individual experiences, successes and failures alike are the building blocks to establishing one’s identity. Finding out what your interests are, what your strengths and weaknesses are, what comes easy and what things are challenges are all the elements that go into helping you come to know Yourself.

The bottom-line to being healed from the abandonment and rejection involves also knowing that God has not made you the wounded. He desires to heal you and let you have the unlimited possibilities of growing and being who You can be.

I was a fatherless boy, who met my Heavenly Father at 15 and then became a father of boys.

Im far from perfect but I know that I am no longer the wounded child, I am now more the choices I choose and the focus I keep.

It's Not Too Late, Jon and Kate!

Some good questions and wonderings Anne~!
...may be the subject of my next blog article, thx for stirring it!

1) As for their faith I too thought they were perhaps stronger Christians than this crisis has revealed. - a clue I guess was we only heard as a sidebar about their faith on the TV program - I haven’t read anything she’s written.

And YES if a couple (or any individual for that matter) is going through a difficult time the bedrock of faith should be relied on - we've not heard of any attempt to seek counsel, or counseling from a Christian resource, we've not even heard any reference of Christian Marriage vows being broken, challenged or wrestled with. Worse we've not heard the word "forgiveness" at all!

What we continue to hear is "me", "My life", "my kids" mmm a pattern of self-centeredness even when referring to their children, "what’s best for MY kids" -that is the saddest.

I hope I'm not coming across as judgmental or condescending... because honestly, my wife of 31 years, could have kicked me to the curb many many years ago ... I’ve not been "unfaithful" as in adultery, but I've been "unfaithful", "missed the mark", "imperfect" and only because our marriage relationship has been sustained by and is based on "unconditional love" that we depend to get supplied from the One who loves US unconditionally!

Jon and Kate have seemed to pursue what makes them individually "happy": he coming out of his shell, finding "love" in the wrong places and she finding her "career" more important than her marriage... oh plus take care of their kids

2) As to the kids being affected by an "unhappy" relationship... actually "happiness" should not be the goal of any relationship,

Unity should be the goal and then happiness the result.

Granted, abusive relationships of any kind would not be a healthy environment for these 8 children.

But a relationship, imperfect and all, that lives out in front of them one of honesty, forgiveness, highs and lows with a total commitment TO each other will teach a stronger message than ever spoken.

This is the result of knowing the truth, that Jesus has given His all to be our own, to bring us into a right relationship with God Our Father.

My 20 years of working with teenagers from families of divorce and subsequent 10 additional years studying the entire issue and 50 years of living it, has left me with one clear truth: kids flourish when they don’t have to wonder, is Mom and Dad for me?

...intact families who don’t live this out see the same abandonment, rejection and insecurity undertow in their children's lives too.

Growing up we all need to know our parents (both of them optimally, but at least one) are totally "for us"!

In the beginning Jon and Kate were 100% unified in having the additional 6, even when her life was threatened, then raising them together. Somewhere, that focused was lost. Probably the $3million a year they've made contributed. They could hire help and not have to give 100% of themselves; they could look at their own "happiness" instead of giving of themselves as couple sacrificially to their children.

My last thought, though there are more, is Jon and Kate it is not too late!

Perfect Divorce Training

What is the sure-fire way to prepare yourself for having a "successful" Divorce result? In other words, how might you guarantee that your marriage would end in Divorce? - start Dating young and often.

Now, you might be thinking this guy is nuts! (may be a discussion for another article) But the facts and historical record are compelling. In 1955, the Divorce rate in America was nearly 0 (zero) in 2009 it exceeds 50% so in this span of 60 years what's happened?

Obviously, there are many contributing factors but I do think that we can identify one very strong influence. Also in a day when even the re-defining of Marriage is being pushed the musings as to how to be sure that the undesirable outcome of divorce is not arrived at, should be addressed.

Over the past 25+ years I've:
* worked with and observed the effects of divorce on teenagers,
* counseled friends who show-up to get help when the marriage is on the rocks,
* challenged couples preparing to "tie-the-knot" with discussions as to how "bad" being married can be! (only to still see thee marriages end in Divorce)

So after one considers the stresses of life, the communication problems (one of the largest enemies of relationships), the bumps and potholes along the road of marital bliss I come back to my earlier assertion - Dating is a sure-fire assistant for divorce!

As I've asked 100's and thousands of people what is the longevity goal of marriage? Everyone agrees, no matter their background, upbringing, socio-economic level, educational level, religious, non-religious, experience - they all agree the goal for marriage is "Forever"!

When we look at what is the "goal" of Dating, the highest is to "find a mate" but the overwhelming common goal of Dating is to "not be alone" or to "hook-up" in the present day vernacular. Dating lasts 2 years, 2 months, 2 days or 2 hours! Dating IS temporary!

Actually Dating is "whenever", whenever it doesn't work out, whenever you no longer satisfy my needs, whenever someone else comes along....

So when we come into Marriage with a Dating experience we are destined to Divorce!

So here's the equation of Divorce: Whenever + Forever = Never