It's Not Too Late, Jon and Kate!

Some good questions and wonderings Anne~!
...may be the subject of my next blog article, thx for stirring it!

1) As for their faith I too thought they were perhaps stronger Christians than this crisis has revealed. - a clue I guess was we only heard as a sidebar about their faith on the TV program - I haven’t read anything she’s written.

And YES if a couple (or any individual for that matter) is going through a difficult time the bedrock of faith should be relied on - we've not heard of any attempt to seek counsel, or counseling from a Christian resource, we've not even heard any reference of Christian Marriage vows being broken, challenged or wrestled with. Worse we've not heard the word "forgiveness" at all!

What we continue to hear is "me", "My life", "my kids" mmm a pattern of self-centeredness even when referring to their children, "what’s best for MY kids" -that is the saddest.

I hope I'm not coming across as judgmental or condescending... because honestly, my wife of 31 years, could have kicked me to the curb many many years ago ... I’ve not been "unfaithful" as in adultery, but I've been "unfaithful", "missed the mark", "imperfect" and only because our marriage relationship has been sustained by and is based on "unconditional love" that we depend to get supplied from the One who loves US unconditionally!

Jon and Kate have seemed to pursue what makes them individually "happy": he coming out of his shell, finding "love" in the wrong places and she finding her "career" more important than her marriage... oh plus take care of their kids

2) As to the kids being affected by an "unhappy" relationship... actually "happiness" should not be the goal of any relationship,

Unity should be the goal and then happiness the result.

Granted, abusive relationships of any kind would not be a healthy environment for these 8 children.

But a relationship, imperfect and all, that lives out in front of them one of honesty, forgiveness, highs and lows with a total commitment TO each other will teach a stronger message than ever spoken.

This is the result of knowing the truth, that Jesus has given His all to be our own, to bring us into a right relationship with God Our Father.

My 20 years of working with teenagers from families of divorce and subsequent 10 additional years studying the entire issue and 50 years of living it, has left me with one clear truth: kids flourish when they don’t have to wonder, is Mom and Dad for me?

...intact families who don’t live this out see the same abandonment, rejection and insecurity undertow in their children's lives too.

Growing up we all need to know our parents (both of them optimally, but at least one) are totally "for us"!

In the beginning Jon and Kate were 100% unified in having the additional 6, even when her life was threatened, then raising them together. Somewhere, that focused was lost. Probably the $3million a year they've made contributed. They could hire help and not have to give 100% of themselves; they could look at their own "happiness" instead of giving of themselves as couple sacrificially to their children.

My last thought, though there are more, is Jon and Kate it is not too late!

Before the term "Player" - I was!

It's true, though I hate to admit it. I had a gf, non-stop from the age of 11. Today's young people would call that a "player" - actually it was the indication of someone who was very needy!

At 14, I remember like it was yesterday, Mrs "L" ended my really good gig with her daughter. She was 2 years older, I was a freshman and she was a junior. She was "hot" and I was not.

Mrs. "L" said to her daughter, "You can not date Paul anymore because he's not good marriage material. He'll turn out like his Dad and we know what a scum bag he was!"

Wow! I was first upset with Mrs. "L" - she didn’t know me! She certainly didn't know how I was going to turn out!

Then I started to get upset with my Dad. I wanted to show him I was turning out alright inspite of his leaving me and my family when I was 6 years old!

Over the course of the next year I gained some healing from this devastating loss - the relationship with this incredible older girl but, more importantly, the possible loss of hope in a future and the possibilities of my being more than the rejected, abandoned kid - I'm even named after him; I am Paul S. Belt Jr. If I hadn't been healed, I'm convinced I'd be a crusty, bitter old fart today.

I especially would not have been of any good to communicate to the thousands of young people over the years AND most importantly I would not have had a chance to be the Father for my 4 sons. Don't get me wrong- I am not saying that I am even close to being perfect by any way shape or form.

What I am saying is that because God healed my identity, I am not the scum bag Mrs."L" said I'd be - I didn't abandon my family or repeat the cycle of leaving my wife. So what happened? I discovered that who I am is the adding in of influences and people my mother exposed me to, and that God provided. And then my choices from those influences. Who I am is what God has made me plus what I have chosen.

Dating often is a replacement for such choices. I used having a girlfriend to make me feel better about me. It was a compensation for the hole in my heart, left by the wound of being rejected by my own Dad. I used girls rather than encourage them in a healthy, balanced relationship.

I discovered years later this simple truth:

Being forgiven means who you are is the

next choice you make.

It doesn't matter what has happened or even whatever mistakes you may still make in the future. God's grace and forgiveness wipes the slate clean each time you repent, to re-establish who you are with every choice.

Let us encourage young and old to let relationships be about building up and not sucking out.

A Matter of Perspective!

I think we need a new view, glasses if you would, in regards to the purpose of and goals in dating. When I’ve asked teenagers, “how long has dating been around?” they’re universal answer is “forever”.

To which I ask, “Are you sure?” and they’re resounding response is, “sure!”

Well dating has only been around since the 1950’s and only in the USA. Dating has never been practiced in any society, in any other time-frame, in all recorded history men and women! Only in this 60-year timeframe. Before, 1950’s in America and all other societies the practice of a man and a woman to become “acquainted” was usually some type of “arrangement”.

Arrangements ranged from pre-arranged marriages where you would not even meet your intended until your wedding day to courting in “proper” accordance of acceptable behaviors with often a chaperone along to keep things on the up and up. Interaction was limited to conversation and perhaps holding hands but never more contact than this.

Today, the highest goal for Dating is to find your future mate. But the most common “goal” of dating is to not be alone, to maintain social standing as desirable – most probably to “hook-up”.

Since the 1950’s, young people in America have been involved in a social experiment. The practice of freely dating whomever you wish, to find that future mate has been the rule of the day. But the behavior of this experiment has been dictated by few or no guidelines save – “if it feels good do it!” and conversely if doesn’t “feel” good find someone else. So the dating routine has been well established as completely temporary.

My observation is that Dating sets you up for Divorce. its this “temporary” perspective or at least the if it “doesn’t feel good” then end it mentality that has totally changed the divorce rate in America.

In 1950 the Divorce rate in America was nearly “0”, today its over 50%, so how’s this social experiment going? I realize dating isn’t the only cause for Divorce but it is obviously a “habit-forming” influence that is a major contributor – if we can change our perspective of the goal for Dating this contributor could be re-oriented.

More to come in this on-going unpacking….

Perfect Divorce Training

What is the sure-fire way to prepare yourself for having a "successful" Divorce result? In other words, how might you guarantee that your marriage would end in Divorce? - start Dating young and often.

Now, you might be thinking this guy is nuts! (may be a discussion for another article) But the facts and historical record are compelling. In 1955, the Divorce rate in America was nearly 0 (zero) in 2009 it exceeds 50% so in this span of 60 years what's happened?

Obviously, there are many contributing factors but I do think that we can identify one very strong influence. Also in a day when even the re-defining of Marriage is being pushed the musings as to how to be sure that the undesirable outcome of divorce is not arrived at, should be addressed.

Over the past 25+ years I've:
* worked with and observed the effects of divorce on teenagers,
* counseled friends who show-up to get help when the marriage is on the rocks,
* challenged couples preparing to "tie-the-knot" with discussions as to how "bad" being married can be! (only to still see thee marriages end in Divorce)

So after one considers the stresses of life, the communication problems (one of the largest enemies of relationships), the bumps and potholes along the road of marital bliss I come back to my earlier assertion - Dating is a sure-fire assistant for divorce!

As I've asked 100's and thousands of people what is the longevity goal of marriage? Everyone agrees, no matter their background, upbringing, socio-economic level, educational level, religious, non-religious, experience - they all agree the goal for marriage is "Forever"!

When we look at what is the "goal" of Dating, the highest is to "find a mate" but the overwhelming common goal of Dating is to "not be alone" or to "hook-up" in the present day vernacular. Dating lasts 2 years, 2 months, 2 days or 2 hours! Dating IS temporary!

Actually Dating is "whenever", whenever it doesn't work out, whenever you no longer satisfy my needs, whenever someone else comes along....

So when we come into Marriage with a Dating experience we are destined to Divorce!

So here's the equation of Divorce: Whenever + Forever = Never