Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Friday, September 18, 2009
Facebook and Divorce: Airing the Dirty Laundry
By Belinda Luscombe Monday, Jun. 22, 2009 TIME
Not long after Patrick told his wife Tammie he wanted a divorce, she posted an angry, hurt note on "the wall," or public-comments section, of his Facebook page. Embarrassed that his colleagues, clients, church friends and family could see evidence of his marital woes, he deleted it and blocked his wife from seeing his page. A couple of days later, the IT worker in Florida--who asked that his last name not be used in this story — found alarmed messages from two Facebook friends in his inbox. Tammie had used a mutual friend's account to view Patrick's wall and e-mailed several women he had had exchanges with. He says her e-mails were borderline defamatory. She says they merely noted that he was married with children, a fact he had left off his Facebook profile. Either way: Ouch.
For those who want to connect or reconnect with others, social-networking sites are a huge, glorious honeypot. But for those who are disconnecting, they can make things quite sticky. And as the age of online-social-network users creeps up, it overlaps more with the age of divorce-lawyer users, resulting in the kind of semipublic laundry-airing that can turn aggrieved spouses into enraged ones and friends into embarrassed spectators.
Lawyers, however, love these sites, which can be evidentiary gold mines. Did your husband's new girlfriend Twitter about getting a piece of jewelry? The court might regard that as marital assets being disbursed to a third party. Did your wife tell the court she's incapable of getting a job? Then your lawyer should ask why she's pursuing job interviews through LinkedIn.
Battles over finances and custody remain the Iwo Jima and Stalingrad of divorce cases. Opposing lawyers will press any advantage they have, and personal information on sites like Facebook, MySpace and LinkedIn is like decoded bulletins from enemy territory. "It's now just routine for us to go over with clients whether they have an active presence on the Web and if they Twitter or have a MySpace page," says Joseph Cordell of Cordell & Cordell, a domestic-relations law firm with offices in 10 states. He advises his mostly male clients to scour their page — and their girlfriend's — for anything that could be used by their ex's legal team. Then Cordell studies the page of the soon-to-be ex-wife.
"We had a custody case where a mom assured the court that she hadn't been drinking," recalls the Missouri-based attorney. "But her MySpace page had actual dated photos of her drinking — and smoking, which is also of interest." In another case, a mom had listed herself on a dating site as single with no kids, which Cordell's firm used to cast doubt on her truthfulness.
And that's just the courtroom stuff.
Half the fun of social-networking sites is the posting of personal news. The other half is the posting of personal opinion, something spurned spouses typically have in spades. MySpace and its ilk offer the giddying cocktail of being able to say something in the privacy of your home that will be publicly accessible, along with a chaser of instant gratification. All this at a time when people are often less than their best selves. On the walls of two Facebook groups — I Hate My Ex-Husband and I Hate My Ex-Wife, which together had been joined by 236 Facebook users as of early June — posts include all manner of (often misspelled) vitriol, including some colorful British slang: "my husband is ... a dirty smelly chavvy theivin alcoholic drug addict selfish scum bag" and "my ex wife is a no good lieing slag," each of which was posted alongside a smiling photograph of the commenter.
There's little the besmirched can do legally, unless there are children involved. Family-law courts routinely issue restraining orders to prevent one parent from disparaging another to a child. "The question is, If it's on the Internet, can that speech be blocked?" says Stephen Mindel, a managing partner at Feinberg, Mindel, Brandt & Klein in Los Angeles. "The First Amendment is going to come into conflict with the family-law courts."
Issuing an order to remove children's access to Facebook is pointless, says Chicago-based lawyer Jennifer Smetters. "The kids just go on a fishing expedition to find out what's so secret. And no child needs to see their parent being publicly humiliated." Smetters has seen cases where messages on a social-networking site were part of a harassment campaign that led to the court's issuing a civil order of protection.
It seems everybody — except perhaps some lawyers — would be better off if divorcing spouses gave each other some space on MySpace. But when confused, anguished people look for ways to work through their feelings, a social-networking site can be an almost irresistible venue.
Patrick and Tammie are still active on Facebook. So are decoupled East Coast residents Andrea and Adrian, even after "he told me he didn't have any money and then posted pictures of his new BMW bike," Andrea says. He says Facebook helped her stalk him. "It's had a very negative impact on our communication," he adds.
But there can be some positives. Tammie's friends post supportive messages on her Facebook page. And Patrick says he understands online social networks better now. "It's like putting everybody you know in the same room. I'm using it, but I'm much more careful."
For those who want to connect or reconnect with others, social-networking sites are a huge, glorious honeypot. But for those who are disconnecting, they can make things quite sticky. And as the age of online-social-network users creeps up, it overlaps more with the age of divorce-lawyer users, resulting in the kind of semipublic laundry-airing that can turn aggrieved spouses into enraged ones and friends into embarrassed spectators.
Lawyers, however, love these sites, which can be evidentiary gold mines. Did your husband's new girlfriend Twitter about getting a piece of jewelry? The court might regard that as marital assets being disbursed to a third party. Did your wife tell the court she's incapable of getting a job? Then your lawyer should ask why she's pursuing job interviews through LinkedIn.
Battles over finances and custody remain the Iwo Jima and Stalingrad of divorce cases. Opposing lawyers will press any advantage they have, and personal information on sites like Facebook, MySpace and LinkedIn is like decoded bulletins from enemy territory. "It's now just routine for us to go over with clients whether they have an active presence on the Web and if they Twitter or have a MySpace page," says Joseph Cordell of Cordell & Cordell, a domestic-relations law firm with offices in 10 states. He advises his mostly male clients to scour their page — and their girlfriend's — for anything that could be used by their ex's legal team. Then Cordell studies the page of the soon-to-be ex-wife.
"We had a custody case where a mom assured the court that she hadn't been drinking," recalls the Missouri-based attorney. "But her MySpace page had actual dated photos of her drinking — and smoking, which is also of interest." In another case, a mom had listed herself on a dating site as single with no kids, which Cordell's firm used to cast doubt on her truthfulness.
And that's just the courtroom stuff.
Half the fun of social-networking sites is the posting of personal news. The other half is the posting of personal opinion, something spurned spouses typically have in spades. MySpace and its ilk offer the giddying cocktail of being able to say something in the privacy of your home that will be publicly accessible, along with a chaser of instant gratification. All this at a time when people are often less than their best selves. On the walls of two Facebook groups — I Hate My Ex-Husband and I Hate My Ex-Wife, which together had been joined by 236 Facebook users as of early June — posts include all manner of (often misspelled) vitriol, including some colorful British slang: "my husband is ... a dirty smelly chavvy theivin alcoholic drug addict selfish scum bag" and "my ex wife is a no good lieing slag," each of which was posted alongside a smiling photograph of the commenter.
There's little the besmirched can do legally, unless there are children involved. Family-law courts routinely issue restraining orders to prevent one parent from disparaging another to a child. "The question is, If it's on the Internet, can that speech be blocked?" says Stephen Mindel, a managing partner at Feinberg, Mindel, Brandt & Klein in Los Angeles. "The First Amendment is going to come into conflict with the family-law courts."
Issuing an order to remove children's access to Facebook is pointless, says Chicago-based lawyer Jennifer Smetters. "The kids just go on a fishing expedition to find out what's so secret. And no child needs to see their parent being publicly humiliated." Smetters has seen cases where messages on a social-networking site were part of a harassment campaign that led to the court's issuing a civil order of protection.
It seems everybody — except perhaps some lawyers — would be better off if divorcing spouses gave each other some space on MySpace. But when confused, anguished people look for ways to work through their feelings, a social-networking site can be an almost irresistible venue.
Patrick and Tammie are still active on Facebook. So are decoupled East Coast residents Andrea and Adrian, even after "he told me he didn't have any money and then posted pictures of his new BMW bike," Andrea says. He says Facebook helped her stalk him. "It's had a very negative impact on our communication," he adds.
But there can be some positives. Tammie's friends post supportive messages on her Facebook page. And Patrick says he understands online social networks better now. "It's like putting everybody you know in the same room. I'm using it, but I'm much more careful."
Thursday, September 17, 2009
A resource for Mom's who stay home to bring home some bacon and not have to "go" to "bring":
http://ping.fm/rP62o
http://ping.fm/rP62o
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Victim or Victor!?
How long will you be the victim?How long are you still the one who Dad “abandoned”?
He was in my face, “Dad, do you forget the pain of your father leaving you? It’s not her fault; she’s still screwed up by that!”
This comment caused me to really think. I’m not “really” screwed up, only partially.
My initial response to the comment was “she needs to get over it, it’s not who she is, it’s what happened to her!”
This comment is true, it’s been fleshed out by so many. As an adult-child of Divorce I often confront the question of my identity. But, these words, blurted out in a high pitch of emotion was, a wake-up call again. It is a fact that the effects of those child-hood wounds can be long suffering. But to excuse the current problems in your life as the result of the emotional wounds of years ago may well be an excuse rather than a fact.
Two strong influences that help in the healing of the effects of rejection and abandonment are healthy replacement of Parental relationships and the building of Personal Identity.
Parental relationships can have a healthy replacement. The introduction of step-parents can greatly help in the re-building healthy interaction of parent and child. The younger the age, the more effective. The more sensitive the step-parent is to being a normal loving parent as if he or she were the biological parent, the more health results.
I’ve also seen significant adults who have given the child from a family of Divorce positive and life-long influence in caring for and modeling to them healthy, positive influence.
Over the years I’ve come to understand that young people need to know that Mom and Dad are “for” them. The desire to know that someone has made the decision to be there for you is irreplaceable in building a strong self-image. It allows for the safe factor as you attempt new things.
Individual experiences, successes and failures alike are the building blocks to establishing one’s identity. Finding out what your interests are, what your strengths and weaknesses are, what comes easy and what things are challenges are all the elements that go into helping you come to know Yourself.
The bottom-line to being healed from the abandonment and rejection involves also knowing that God has not made you the wounded. He desires to heal you and let you have the unlimited possibilities of growing and being who You can be.
I was a fatherless boy, who met my Heavenly Father at 15 and then became a father of boys.
Im far from perfect but I know that I am no longer the wounded child, I am now more the choices I choose and the focus I keep.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Is Your "Well" Dry?
A miracle happened last week! My well has water again!!
A couple of months ago my water well that we use to water the ½ acre of lawn and shrubs in our yard dried up. Another sign of our drought conditions in Central California as well as the political hot potato of water use in our area.
I was soo distressed “what now?” I said both inward and outwardly.
“LORD we need water!”
I then dug holes, bought pipe…dug again after hooking up the wrong pipe to the sprinkler system and the water flowed from the city water line to the sprinklers.
Have You been there in your life? a season of drought… Your well seems to have run dry. Relationships have “dried up”, there doesn’t seem to be life-flow in it? Brokenness overwhelms health.
Relationships run that way, they are so dynamic that there is constant life ebb and flow. Since humans are able to make decisions and choices there is nothing static about a relationship. Every moment, you can choose how to respond, what to say, touch or not touch topics or each other. We are affected by choices of others and we are affected by our own choices.
But in all relationships there is this “well” problem.
If our “well” runs dry we cannot make the choices needed. Especially, the un-conditional love choice of giving to another regardless of receiving anything in return. When this happens relationships hit an impasse.
So how do I get the miracle of re-filling the well? My backyard well looked pretty hopeless. I was told I may need to drill deeper. A well and pump company was working on an agricultural well across the street and told me the water table was 105 feet. My well is probably 90 feet. Yikes !
Then I heard about “re-charge”. Ahh and that had been delayed by the powers to be. The St. John’s River a mere ½ mile from our home had not been flowing from the Lake above until late May and the pumps along the river used to “re-charge” the water underground had not been pumping.
This re-charge principle, is taking the resource from outside and infusing it into the underground to be drawn upon again by wells. So that’s what we need! A re-charge from an outside resource so to be filled up again and able to then “pour” ourselves out.
My friends get re-charged! I believe God is the best resource for getting a re-charge.
Oh and my well, as I turned it on to see if maybe there might be some water… and I received a miracle - WATER is flowing again from my well, because it received a re-charge, a deep re-charge and the life-giving water is flowing again
A couple of months ago my water well that we use to water the ½ acre of lawn and shrubs in our yard dried up. Another sign of our drought conditions in Central California as well as the political hot potato of water use in our area.
I was soo distressed “what now?” I said both inward and outwardly.
“LORD we need water!”
I then dug holes, bought pipe…dug again after hooking up the wrong pipe to the sprinkler system and the water flowed from the city water line to the sprinklers.
Have You been there in your life? a season of drought… Your well seems to have run dry. Relationships have “dried up”, there doesn’t seem to be life-flow in it? Brokenness overwhelms health.
Relationships run that way, they are so dynamic that there is constant life ebb and flow. Since humans are able to make decisions and choices there is nothing static about a relationship. Every moment, you can choose how to respond, what to say, touch or not touch topics or each other. We are affected by choices of others and we are affected by our own choices.
But in all relationships there is this “well” problem.
If our “well” runs dry we cannot make the choices needed. Especially, the un-conditional love choice of giving to another regardless of receiving anything in return. When this happens relationships hit an impasse.
So how do I get the miracle of re-filling the well? My backyard well looked pretty hopeless. I was told I may need to drill deeper. A well and pump company was working on an agricultural well across the street and told me the water table was 105 feet. My well is probably 90 feet. Yikes !
Then I heard about “re-charge”. Ahh and that had been delayed by the powers to be. The St. John’s River a mere ½ mile from our home had not been flowing from the Lake above until late May and the pumps along the river used to “re-charge” the water underground had not been pumping.
This re-charge principle, is taking the resource from outside and infusing it into the underground to be drawn upon again by wells. So that’s what we need! A re-charge from an outside resource so to be filled up again and able to then “pour” ourselves out.
My friends get re-charged! I believe God is the best resource for getting a re-charge.
Oh and my well, as I turned it on to see if maybe there might be some water… and I received a miracle - WATER is flowing again from my well, because it received a re-charge, a deep re-charge and the life-giving water is flowing again
Thursday, June 25, 2009
It's Not Too Late, Jon and Kate!
Some good questions and wonderings Anne~! 
...may be the subject of my next blog article, thx for stirring it!
1) As for their faith I too thought they were perhaps stronger Christians than this crisis has revealed. - a clue I guess was we only heard as a sidebar about their faith on the TV program - I haven’t read anything she’s written.
And YES if a couple (or any individual for that matter) is going through a difficult time the bedrock of faith should be relied on - we've not heard of any attempt to seek counsel, or counseling from a Christian resource, we've not even heard any reference of Christian Marriage vows being broken, challenged or wrestled with. Worse we've not heard the word "forgiveness" at all!
What we continue to hear is "me", "My life", "my kids" mmm a pattern of self-centeredness even when referring to their children, "what’s best for MY kids" -that is the saddest.
I hope I'm not coming across as judgmental or condescending... because honestly, my wife of 31 years, could have kicked me to the curb many many years ago ... I’ve not been "unfaithful" as in adultery, but I've been "unfaithful", "missed the mark", "imperfect" and only because our marriage relationship has been sustained by and is based on "unconditional love" that we depend to get supplied from the One who loves US unconditionally!
Jon and Kate have seemed to pursue what makes them individually "happy": he coming out of his shell, finding "love" in the wrong places and she finding her "career" more important than her marriage... oh plus take care of their kids
2) As to the kids being affected by an "unhappy" relationship... actually "happiness" should not be the goal of any relationship,
But a relationship, imperfect and all, that lives out in front of them one of honesty, forgiveness, highs and lows with a total commitment TO each other will teach a stronger message than ever spoken.
...may be the subject of my next blog article, thx for stirring it!
1) As for their faith I too thought they were perhaps stronger Christians than this crisis has revealed. - a clue I guess was we only heard as a sidebar about their faith on the TV program - I haven’t read anything she’s written.
And YES if a couple (or any individual for that matter) is going through a difficult time the bedrock of faith should be relied on - we've not heard of any attempt to seek counsel, or counseling from a Christian resource, we've not even heard any reference of Christian Marriage vows being broken, challenged or wrestled with. Worse we've not heard the word "forgiveness" at all!
What we continue to hear is "me", "My life", "my kids" mmm a pattern of self-centeredness even when referring to their children, "what’s best for MY kids" -that is the saddest.
I hope I'm not coming across as judgmental or condescending... because honestly, my wife of 31 years, could have kicked me to the curb many many years ago ... I’ve not been "unfaithful" as in adultery, but I've been "unfaithful", "missed the mark", "imperfect" and only because our marriage relationship has been sustained by and is based on "unconditional love" that we depend to get supplied from the One who loves US unconditionally!
Jon and Kate have seemed to pursue what makes them individually "happy": he coming out of his shell, finding "love" in the wrong places and she finding her "career" more important than her marriage... oh plus take care of their kids
2) As to the kids being affected by an "unhappy" relationship... actually "happiness" should not be the goal of any relationship,
Unity should be the goal and then happiness the result.
Granted, abusive relationships of any kind would not be a healthy environment for these 8 children.
But a relationship, imperfect and all, that lives out in front of them one of honesty, forgiveness, highs and lows with a total commitment TO each other will teach a stronger message than ever spoken.
This is the result of knowing the truth, that Jesus has given His all to be our own, to bring us into a right relationship with God Our Father.
My 20 years of working with teenagers from families of divorce and subsequent 10 additional years studying the entire issue and 50 years of living it, has left me with one clear truth: kids flourish when they don’t have to wonder, is Mom and Dad for me?
...intact families who don’t live this out see the same abandonment, rejection and insecurity undertow in their children's lives too.
Growing up we all need to know our parents (both of them optimally, but at least one) are totally "for us"!
In the beginning Jon and Kate were 100% unified in having the additional 6, even when her life was threatened, then raising them together. Somewhere, that focused was lost. Probably the $3million a year they've made contributed. They could hire help and not have to give 100% of themselves; they could look at their own "happiness" instead of giving of themselves as couple sacrificially to their children.
My last thought, though there are more, is Jon and Kate it is not too late!
My last thought, though there are more, is Jon and Kate it is not too late!
Monday, June 8, 2009
Before the term "Player" - I was!
It's true, though I hate to admit it. I had a gf, non-stop from the age of 11. Today's young people would call that a "player" - actually it was the indication of someone who was very needy!
At 14, I remember like it was yesterday, Mrs "L" ended my really good gig with her daughter. She was 2 years older, I was a freshman and she was a junior. She was "hot" and I was not.
Mrs. "L" said to her daughter, "You can not date Paul anymore because he's not good marriage material. He'll turn out like his Dad and we know what a scum bag he was!"
Wow! I was first upset with Mrs. "L" - she didn’t know me! She certainly didn't know how I was going to turn out!
Then I started to get upset with my Dad. I wanted to show him I was turning out alright inspite of his leaving me and my family when I was 6 years old!
Over the course of the next year I gained some healing from this devastating loss - the relationship with this incredible older girl but, more importantly, the possible loss of hope in a future and the possibilities of my being more than the rejected, abandoned kid - I'm even named after him; I am Paul S. Belt Jr. If I hadn't been healed, I'm convinced I'd be a crusty, bitter old fart today.
I especially would not have been of any good to communicate to the thousands of young people over the years AND most importantly I would not have had a chance to be the Father for my 4 sons. Don't get me wrong- I am not saying that I am even close to being perfect by any way shape or form.
What I am saying is that because God healed my identity, I am not the scum bag Mrs."L" said I'd be - I didn't abandon my family or repeat the cycle of leaving my wife. So what happened? I discovered that who I am is the adding in of influences and people my mother exposed me to, and that God provided. And then my choices from those influences. Who I am is what God has made me plus what I have chosen.
Dating often is a replacement for such choices. I used having a girlfriend to make me feel better about me. It was a compensation for the hole in my heart, left by the wound of being rejected by my own Dad. I used girls rather than encourage them in a healthy, balanced relationship.
I discovered years later this simple truth:
It doesn't matter what has happened or even whatever mistakes you may still make in the future. God's grace and forgiveness wipes the slate clean each time you repent, to re-establish who you are with every choice.
Let us encourage young and old to let relationships be about building up and not sucking out.
At 14, I remember like it was yesterday, Mrs "L" ended my really good gig with her daughter. She was 2 years older, I was a freshman and she was a junior. She was "hot" and I was not.
Mrs. "L" said to her daughter, "You can not date Paul anymore because he's not good marriage material. He'll turn out like his Dad and we know what a scum bag he was!"
Wow! I was first upset with Mrs. "L" - she didn’t know me! She certainly didn't know how I was going to turn out!
Then I started to get upset with my Dad. I wanted to show him I was turning out alright inspite of his leaving me and my family when I was 6 years old!
Over the course of the next year I gained some healing from this devastating loss - the relationship with this incredible older girl but, more importantly, the possible loss of hope in a future and the possibilities of my being more than the rejected, abandoned kid - I'm even named after him; I am Paul S. Belt Jr. If I hadn't been healed, I'm convinced I'd be a crusty, bitter old fart today.
I especially would not have been of any good to communicate to the thousands of young people over the years AND most importantly I would not have had a chance to be the Father for my 4 sons. Don't get me wrong- I am not saying that I am even close to being perfect by any way shape or form.
What I am saying is that because God healed my identity, I am not the scum bag Mrs."L" said I'd be - I didn't abandon my family or repeat the cycle of leaving my wife. So what happened? I discovered that who I am is the adding in of influences and people my mother exposed me to, and that God provided. And then my choices from those influences. Who I am is what God has made me plus what I have chosen.
Dating often is a replacement for such choices. I used having a girlfriend to make me feel better about me. It was a compensation for the hole in my heart, left by the wound of being rejected by my own Dad. I used girls rather than encourage them in a healthy, balanced relationship.
I discovered years later this simple truth:
Being forgiven means who you are is the
next choice you make.
It doesn't matter what has happened or even whatever mistakes you may still make in the future. God's grace and forgiveness wipes the slate clean each time you repent, to re-establish who you are with every choice.
Let us encourage young and old to let relationships be about building up and not sucking out.
Monday, May 25, 2009
A Matter of Perspective!
I think we need a new view, glasses if you would, in regards to the purpose of and goals in dating. When I’ve asked teenagers, “how long has dating been around?” they’re universal answer is “forever”.
To which I ask, “Are you sure?” and they’re resounding response is, “sure!”
Well dating has only been around since the 1950’s and only in the USA. Dating has never been practiced in any society, in any other time-frame, in all recorded history men and women! Only in this 60-year timeframe. Before, 1950’s in America and all other societies the practice of a man and a woman to become “acquainted” was usually some type of “arrangement”.
Arrangements ranged from pre-arranged marriages where you would not even meet your intended until your wedding day to courting in “proper” accordance of acceptable behaviors with often a chaperone along to keep things on the up and up. Interaction was limited to conversation and perhaps holding hands but never more contact than this.
Today, the highest goal for Dating is to find your future mate. But the most common “goal” of dating is to not be alone, to maintain social standing as desirable – most probably to “hook-up”.
Since the 1950’s, young people in America have been involved in a social experiment. The practice of freely dating whomever you wish, to find that future mate has been the rule of the day. But the behavior of this experiment has been dictated by few or no guidelines save – “if it feels good do it!” and conversely if doesn’t “feel” good find someone else. So the dating routine has been well established as completely temporary.
My observation is that Dating sets you up for Divorce. its this “temporary” perspective or at least the if it “doesn’t feel good” then end it mentality that has totally changed the divorce rate in America.
In 1950 the Divorce rate in America was nearly “0”, today its over 50%, so how’s this social experiment going? I realize dating isn’t the only cause for Divorce but it is obviously a “habit-forming” influence that is a major contributor – if we can change our perspective of the goal for Dating this contributor could be re-oriented.
More to come in this on-going unpacking….
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Perfect Divorce Training
What is the sure-fire way to prepare yourself for having a "successful" Divorce result? In other words, how might you guarantee that your marriage would end in Divorce? - start Dating young and often.
Now, you might be thinking this guy is nuts! (may be a discussion for another article) But the facts and historical record are compelling. In 1955, the Divorce rate in America was nearly 0 (zero) in 2009 it exceeds 50% so in this span of 60 years what's happened?
Obviously, there are many contributing factors but I do think that we can identify one very strong influence. Also in a day when even the re-defining of Marriage is being pushed the musings as to how to be sure that the undesirable outcome of divorce is not arrived at, should be addressed.
Over the past 25+ years I've:
* worked with and observed the effects of divorce on teenagers,
* counseled friends who show-up to get help when the marriage is on the rocks,
* challenged couples preparing to "tie-the-knot" with discussions as to how "bad" being married can be! (only to still see thee marriages end in Divorce)
So after one considers the stresses of life, the communication problems (one of the largest enemies of relationships), the bumps and potholes along the road of marital bliss I come back to my earlier assertion - Dating is a sure-fire assistant for divorce!
As I've asked 100's and thousands of people what is the longevity goal of marriage? Everyone agrees, no matter their background, upbringing, socio-economic level, educational level, religious, non-religious, experience - they all agree the goal for marriage is "Forever"!
When we look at what is the "goal" of Dating, the highest is to "find a mate" but the overwhelming common goal of Dating is to "not be alone" or to "hook-up" in the present day vernacular. Dating lasts 2 years, 2 months, 2 days or 2 hours! Dating IS temporary!
Actually Dating is "whenever", whenever it doesn't work out, whenever you no longer satisfy my needs, whenever someone else comes along....
So when we come into Marriage with a Dating experience we are destined to Divorce!
So here's the equation of Divorce: Whenever + Forever = Never
Now, you might be thinking this guy is nuts! (may be a discussion for another article) But the facts and historical record are compelling. In 1955, the Divorce rate in America was nearly 0 (zero) in 2009 it exceeds 50% so in this span of 60 years what's happened?
Obviously, there are many contributing factors but I do think that we can identify one very strong influence. Also in a day when even the re-defining of Marriage is being pushed the musings as to how to be sure that the undesirable outcome of divorce is not arrived at, should be addressed.
Over the past 25+ years I've:
* worked with and observed the effects of divorce on teenagers,
* counseled friends who show-up to get help when the marriage is on the rocks,
* challenged couples preparing to "tie-the-knot" with discussions as to how "bad" being married can be! (only to still see thee marriages end in Divorce)
So after one considers the stresses of life, the communication problems (one of the largest enemies of relationships), the bumps and potholes along the road of marital bliss I come back to my earlier assertion - Dating is a sure-fire assistant for divorce!
As I've asked 100's and thousands of people what is the longevity goal of marriage? Everyone agrees, no matter their background, upbringing, socio-economic level, educational level, religious, non-religious, experience - they all agree the goal for marriage is "Forever"!
When we look at what is the "goal" of Dating, the highest is to "find a mate" but the overwhelming common goal of Dating is to "not be alone" or to "hook-up" in the present day vernacular. Dating lasts 2 years, 2 months, 2 days or 2 hours! Dating IS temporary!
Actually Dating is "whenever", whenever it doesn't work out, whenever you no longer satisfy my needs, whenever someone else comes along....
So when we come into Marriage with a Dating experience we are destined to Divorce!
So here's the equation of Divorce: Whenever + Forever = Never
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